"Why he's all black like that?"

Despite our relative proximity to Africa, there does not seem to be a large population of blacks in the Antibes area. So, when we approached a coloured man in the produce aisle of the grocery store two days ago, this was the question that came from Andrew's mouth, in his "every day volume" which is pretty much at the top of his lungs. Not making a big deal of it, I just explained that lots of people have different coloured skin, some are light brown, some are very fare, and some are black, just like how he has red hair, Daddy has black hair and Mommy has blond hair...and of course we love everybody just the same! I must say, I felt a little on the embarrassed side, but fortunately for both of us, I strongly suspected this man did not speak English, as he seemed to make no notice of Andrew's question.
Perhaps this will be a chosen theme to one of the new books.

My next career

I've begun my new career...you will all soon be asking for my (our) autographs!
I have started to write a series of children's books. I have told only a select few, and am pumped by the enthusiastic responses of those select few, particularly that of the illustrator, who has not only been my best friend since fifth grade, but also the most creative person I know! And I'm also pumped by the response of my almost 4-year old, who was quite engrossed in the story, which I recited from my head, upon putting him to bed a few nights ago. Honestly, the stories/themes I have in mind do not require a creative wizard to produce, rather they are real-life situations confronted on a daily basis, with the goals of teaching a certain lesson in manners/behaviour, directed to a child in the 3 to 4 year age group. You will just have to wait til the books are published and sold world-wide in 40 different languages to learn more...ok, seriously, odds are slim, but it will be a fun little project in all the spare time I have! And by the way, if you are reading this, you already have an obligation to purchase the series, though I promise you that once I am rich and famous, you will get a significant discount!!!

The future Tiger Woods

Bad analogy. How' bout Jack Nicklaus or Phil Mickelson!!!

Yesterday, Andrew and I shared a full-on Mommy-son bonding day. Was soooo fun. We first went shopping together, followed by lunch at Hippopotamus, a "real" hamburger restaurant, in which Andrew behaved extremely well, waited patiently for the food, ate exactly the same (massive) portion as me, and we shared his fave, a mousse au chocolat for dessert. Then we headed out to go "golfing". Andrew just LOVED it. Of course we kept no scores, and golf to him was a lot more like hockey, pushing the ball with the club until arriving at the hole, in which he proclaimed proudly each time, "HOLE IN ONE"! He was just as equally interested in the surrounding scenery, i.e. massive dinosaur statues, waterfalls, tunnels, etc. but the first thing he asked me this morning when he came into our room was, "Would you like to go golfing today Mommy?"...would love to darling!

My godsend

This pic was taken exactly 24 hours after the cleaning lady came.

Admittedly, before I had children, I remember wondering why my friends who were stay-at-home moms had cleaning ladies. Seemed like such an unnecessary expense, when they were home all day long and had NO job. HA! Of course now...I get it. Sometimes I feel way more like a maid than a mom. Even now that Andrew is "capable" of tidying up after himself, keeping the house clean is like fighting a losing battle. Unlike most North American homes, there is no "playroom"; therefore the living room/family room IS the toy room. And even on the rare occasion when all the toys are put away, there is an endless stream of crumbs on the floor, toothpaste on the bathroom counter, pee on the toilet seat, bed sheets, pillows, blankets and doudous all over the floor, kitchen pantry contents dispersed throughout the house, books pulled off of the shelves, fingerprints all over the windows, clothes everywhere. But one day, every two weeks, the house is spotless, thanks to Ana, my godsend!

3 MUSKATEERS AND 3 HOT MOMS!!!

These three boys have been playing together pretty much since we moved here. It is just as hard to get a good photo of the active little monkeys together now as it was 3 years ago. Jane just commented to me on how long we have known each other...Jane and Bec were two of the first friends I made when I arrived...we've all had a second baby since we met and it's been super cool watching them grow, and sharing in the trials and tribulations of being a stay-at-home mom.

"I want THAT car"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The loudest screamer wins.

Sleepless in Antibes

Ever since our trips, both mine (to Toronto) and Robert's (to Madrid, New York, San Francisco, Miami) we've been unable to sleep through the night. Generally, we both fall asleep ok, usually around 10PM, but we both seem to be waking up around 4:00AM with not a hope of falling back asleep. Robert actually gets out of bed and logs in a few hours of work before work...not me, I just lay in bed, tossing and turning, in endless frustration, knowing that by the time 5PM rolls around, I will feel as though I was hit by a MACK truck. Thanks to two little boys, at least I have experience functioning with a totally inadequate level of sleep. But don't be surprised if you see me with two mismatched shoes or forget to bring the birthday present to the next birthday party!

Funny things

Andrew has recently developed an interest in, and curiosity about the human anatomy. I remember in the summer time when Aunty Susie and Andrew were in the changing room of Nana and Papa's shed getting into their bathing suits, Susie told me that Andrew looked at her boobs and asked her who they were for! Her response was, of course, they were for the baby in her tummy. He accepted that. Two nights ago while I was changing into my pyjamas, he looked at my boobs, and obviously after reflecting on the fact that Ryan doesn't drink milk from my boobs anymore, he asked, "Mommy, why do you still have boobs?"...to which I responded, "they are for your baby sister when she comes"!!!!!! Of course when I shared this story with Robert, his response was a slight chuckle followed by a rather large rolling of the eyes. Hmmm.
He's also very interested in what it is you have to do when you use the toilet. Grandma laughed hysterically this summer when, everytime she came out of the bathroom, was questioned by Andrew, "Did you do pee pee or caca Grandma?". I'm so used to it, that I barely notice myself being questioned about my bodily functions on a daily basis. Whenever he sees someone sitting on the toilet, in real life or in a picture in a book, he automatically assumes this person is doing a caca. So last night when I was sitting on the toilet, he said, "You doing a caca, Mommy?". I told him I was just doing a pee pee before bedtime, just like he does. And he asked me then why was I sitting on my bum. So, I explained that girls don't have willies, and have to sit on their bum to pee, while boys have willies so they can stand up to pee. He then points at my foofy and asks, "what's that UGLY thing called?"!!!!!!!!!!!! I left him without a response, as frankly, I don't need him talking all about vaginas quite yet!

by the way...

After reflecting on some recent posts of some "stabs" at the French, I wanted to clarify that these stabs are by no means directed to the entire French population as I have many friends, neighbours, husbands of friends, etc. who are very laid-back, thoughtful, caring, compassionate, kind, loving, generous, adaptable, flexible, gentle-with-children people who don't represent the ones I tend to vent about from time to time! So, I have no intent on insulting those I already know and love, and perhaps I'm a little less inhibited to speak negatively of certain characteristics of some of the French population since even the French circle I do know, generally agrees whole heartedly in my claims...and empathize well with my experiences...the endless "red tape", the resistance to change, the rigid and structured way in which things are done and the lack of customer service, and kindness in dealing with others.
I also recognize that no culture is perfect, Americans certainly included!, and hence it is up to me to seek the positive attributes in all people/cultures. That said, in my humble opinion and experience, I have found that Italians take the cake for me, in addition to, and admittedly with a strong bias, Canadians!

Pirate Andrew at 3 yrs and 10 months

He is ALL B-O-Y!!! Although he is still quite keen on his lions and tigers and all the rest of his animal family, his latest obsession is anything pirates. When I saw the foam sword at the Dollar Store in Canada, I considered for a moment whether it was an ideal toy for Andrew, but the second he saw it in the store, he was pleading for it, and I caved, thinking that if he must have a sword, a foam one would be the best way to go...along with a very strict rule about not "swording" anybody, his brother included. He just loves it, along with the hook, which I also picked up for a buck and the icing on the cake was the whole pirate costume that Grandma found and bought for him on my last trip. So far, the sword has only been taken away once, after "swording" me with it, and I think he learned the lesson as he was just dying to get it back. He is so incredibly excited about Halloween this year, and I SO wish that Halloween was celebrated in France like it is in North America, as for me, it was just THE best day of the year as a kid. Though the candy part was probably the best part for me, as in our house, I don't think we had an ounce of sugar in the house for the duration of the year!!! Deprived children we were, a big treat for dessert would be a bowl of fruit salad or a slice of watermelon!!! He has also begun counting the days til Christmas. And again, being the boy he is, the only thing on his wish list is a "squirter", aka a gun, I am so opposed to toy guns that I don't even want him to learn the word for it!!! I have told him countless times that squirters are naughty toys. I just don't want to encourage violence in any way, but perhaps it is pointless as he just uses other toys, like his power drills, and plays about his toys "squirting" them with his power drill!!!
The start of school this year was relatively good, much better than I had anticipated after all the fun we had at home/Canada this summer, but to this day, he throws a bit of a fit each morning about having to go to school, but generally by the time we arrive in the parking lot, he's accepted his fate and goes happily into the class room. He's generally very easy to reason with and when I tell him that if he cooperates we'll go to the playground after school, he is pretty content with the deal. I still hear absolutely nothing about his days at school, when asked what he did, "nothing", when asked what he ate, "nothing" and when asked who he played with "nobody". Jealous of those moms who get a complete recap of every detail of their kids' days! His best friend is a little girl named Maya (she goes to a different school) and often asks if he can play with her. When they are together, they both act super silly and hyper together, but it's all quite cute to observe. He gives her hugs and bisous (kisses), quite willingly even despite her resistance to them! His vocabulary has improved immensely over the summer, and I laugh often at the things that come out of his mouth, like when he asks for an "enormous" piece of cake for dessert, or when he takes the story book from my hands at night and finishes it himself with his own version of the story. He'll approach Ryan when he's being fussy and say something like, "what's wrong my little peanut...are you getting tired...do you need mommy...it's ok, mommy's coming". He continues to struggle with his 's' and 'sh' sounds and generally uses 'th' instead of 's'. I will enquire with the teacher at the end of this term whether some speech therapy would be helpful. Although he is still tall and thin, his appetite is enormous. For breakfast, he eats a big bowl of cereal (plain Cheerios or Rice Krispies) with a load of blueberries or sliced banana, and a muffin or two every day (carrot, blueberry or chocolate chip) and is usually starving within an hour! His dinner portions can often be bigger than my own, and this is even after a rather large snack (gouter) at 4:30.
He ADORES Ryan. This was definitely proven on the last trip home in which I took only Ryan with me. Everytime I spoke to him, his sole concern was how Ryan was doing, what toys Ryan was playing with, and how he missed Ryan and likes it better when Ryan is in France with him. He kept telling me that when he sees Ryan, he was going to hug him, kiss him and pet him, and he did indeed, to the point that Ryan just wanted him to go away! When he wakes up each morning, the first thing he wants to do is go wake up Ryan. That said, he does get annoyed when Ryan gets his hands in the toys that Andrew is playing with, and will ask me if I can "put Ryan away"! Doing something like a puzzle with Andrew is now not possible unless Ryan is taking a nap...Ryan will take all the pieces and crawl off with them, which frustrates Andrew to no end. But often they play together well, and Andrew loves to do things that make Ryan laugh, especially covering himself in a blanket and pulling it off, yelling "Peek-A-Boo", to which Ryan responds in absolute hysterics.
Not to my surprise, Andrew is generally a very well-adjusted boy, and usually adapts well to new situations. So when I went away for two weeks without him, which was my first time being away from him for more than 12 hours, he was totally fine. He and Robert got into a very good routine, school playground every day after school, and Robert spoiled him with all his favourite foods (mac and cheese, tomato and fresh mozarella salad, McDonald's, etc.), took him to his favourite place about 20 times (Petite Ferme) and let him sleep with him in our bed every night. The day before we arrived back in France, Robert told him that since Mommy was coming home, he was going to have to sleep back in his own bed, to which he replied, "Mommy can sleep on the couch"!!! Since Robert has been away, Andrew has been starting off his sleep in his own bed and sometime throughout the night, he finds his way into our bed, and I don't even hear him come in. But last night, while already in our bed, he woke me up telling me he needed the flashlight immediately as he had lost his doudou. So, I handed him the flash light and he was all over the covers looking for it, and since it was nowhere to be seen, I went to his room, grabbed his stuffed polar bear and stuffed killer whale as substitutes, in order to get him back to sleep. I've been giving some thought to moving Ryan into Andrew's room but my biggest concern is that Ryan sleeps best in total darkness and Andrew sleeps best with a very bright night light on, and I would hate for the brightness to wake up Ryan and hence wake up Andrew. Also, Andrew can be a little noisy during the night, which again, I wouldn't want one to wake up the other. But it would be nice to have that third bedroom available for our use, as it has always been Robert's office away from the office and he used it often as such before Ryan came along.
Andrew started tennis lessons in September, and it began with a troubling start as the instructor was so typical French...serious, and treated the children like they were training for the French Open at 3 years old. The first time Robert took Andrew himself, he tolerated no part of this type of instruction, totally yelled at the instructor in front of all the other parents (in English of course even though the instructor spoke only French)and pulled Andrew from the lesson... but in the end, he got him switched from Wednesdays to Saturdays with a new female instructor and it has gone much better ever since. However, I still question whether Andrew is really ready, despite his relatively good coordination, his span of attention is still pretty limited and hence, is often in la-la land while standing on the court! But he does seem to like it, and until that changes, we'll keep him enrolled. I think he especially likes the ice cream treat he gets after the class (comes by that honestly, that's for sure!).
His latest movie fave is The Cat in the Hat. Since he loves the book, I downloaded the movie as soon as I saw it. It's the first non-animated show he has shown an interest in, and insists on watching it before bedtime every single night. He laughs hysterically at his favourite parts, every single time.
Unlike some other kids close to his age, he continues to have ZERO interest in sitting down with crayons, markers, pencils, etc. As much as I've tried to introduce him to writing letters at home, colouring in a colouring book, etc. he just doesn't have the time of day to do it for one second. When given crayons, he still draws the same "bonhomme"/stick man that he has been drawing for a year. But other than that, he just scribbles frantically all over the page, usually until a piece of it rips off. I don't care all that much, I know when he's ready, he'll show an interest and until then, I am happy to let him play however he chooses, that's what being 3 is about. But I envy those moms with girls that can give their children a crayon and paper and they are occupied for hours! No such quiet play exists in this house!
His French continues to improve and I've been speaking more of it at home lately, with the intent of giving us both more practice. I find it funny when occasionally he asks me how to say a french word in english. I've also been putting on some french cartoons in the morning, with which he is completely happy.
He has gained a great deal of independence since the start of school this year and is quite adamant about doing things on his own now, with no help from Robert or me. He is perfectly capable of dressing himself (with exception to help with socks and some buttons) though often prefers to be lazy and asks me to put his clothes on for him, he can strap himself into the car seat now and insists on doing that himself and now he goes pee or poo by himself, wipes himself (and does a pretty good job) insists on privacy and hates when Ryan follows him to the toilet, and the only evidence that remains from a poo is a little bit of it smeared on the toilet seat. But I've come to the acceptance with 3 boys in the house that I will never have a perfectly clean toilet again, as even when he pees, he either dribbles or forgets to lift the seat up and I am forever taking the 409 wipes to clean it off!
So that's my big boy in a nutshell. His imagination is super creative, he is still most happy at home than anywhere else, continues to be my little helper (especially loves baking and mopping), and I cannot believe he's gonna be 4 years old in just two more months...time flies.

Beautiful Baby Haley

Itsy bitsy teeny weeny little princess she is. Born in no rush at all, countless hours after induction and ultimately via c-section, she made her grand entrance into this world and I've been in love ever since! The best, and sadly, perhaps the only good news of the summer for my family came on Sept. 1st, Haley's birth date. If we stop at two, or if a third boy enters our family, I will be claiming this little girl for all my girly desires...so Haley, you already have lots of future shopping days planned, in addition to gymnastics competitions, figure skating, girls nights, etc. etc. etc. Andrew and Ryan can take your future brother to the monster truck show while we go get our manicures and shop for the afternoon!

The great part of having to go back so unexpectedly was the opportunity to see more of Haley, though unfortunately with the cold I came down with the day after I arrived, it seriously hindered the amount of snuggle time we could share.

Talking to Susie and hearing about her nights, feeding, diaper rashes, etc. has now become part of my daily ritual and I'm not at all looking forward to when she goes back to work, thereby limiting our phone time to just weekends again, because of the time difference.

I love this little gal like crazy and I can't wait til our next visit, and especially the promised visit to France...Aunty Susie better get on the business end of the camera...but I will hold off on the nagging about it, at least until exam day is over!

Feeling far

With the birth of Susie's baby, the passing of my father and my mother's diagnosis, I'm feeling VERY far away at the moment. And I think as a result, I've become a whole lot less tolerant of all the things I don't like about France. The above photo was taken outside of Walmart in Oakville...where I was greeted with a smile, and a shopping cart brought right to me, that fits both of the kids and as many groceries as I would dream of purchasing, where there are SEAT BELTS in the kids section of the grocery cart so no worries about Ryan climbing out, where my purchases were bagged for me, free of charge of course...the aisles of the store were wide and open, and there are even parking spaces reserved for PARENTS with TOTS, in addition to the PREGNANT ladies spaces. I MISS that here. I went into old town on Thursday as I had made an appointment for a bikini wax (been putting off taking the kids swimming until I could get that taken care of!!!), and made the mistake of driving there instead of my usual walking or bussing it there. Of course, I could not find a spot, so after driving around for about 15 minutes, I caught sight of a lady exiting the old town and immediately asked her where she was parked. She pointed to her car, and as she was walking towards it, I was reversing my car to her spot. When suddenly, a car coming towards me puts its signal on to claim the same spot of the lady leaving. I looked in my rear view mirror and gave the french index finger pointing, indicating, no, no, no, don't even think about it, this is my spot...to which the driver responded by jumping out of the car and yelling at me. I explained to him that I had claimed this spot from this lady before she even step foot in the parking lot...well he wanted no part of my story and as a result, did not budge his car, thereby causing me to be unable to reverse far enough to pull into the spot, and even worse, the poor lady couldn't even pull out of her spot! So, the parking lot security attendant comes over...by this time I'm already 5 minutes late for my appt and there are at least 10 more cars honking madly behind us, and finally, after explaining things to the security guard and the nice lady defending me, he moved back about an inch, just enough for me to move back to let the lady get out and me to pull in. All this to have a bloody bikini wax!!! Several other similar events have taken place since I arrived back here 10 days ago, and of course Robert is away so I've been left to my own devices to cope! I cope well with this kind of stuff day to day, but it's all getting to me now, more than before. The one thing that makes it easier is the empathy I get from all my expat friends who understand EXACTLY what I feel and experience here.
But with all that is going on back home, I feel useless here. Just last night, I spent hours trying to coordinate the removal of my father's antiques from his house, as fortunately, and rather shockingly, the house has already been sold. And I hate the fact that I can't be there to help out with my mom, even though realistically, I realize I'm not that much assistance with two little ones in tow anyway. And I want to be there for every milestone my new niece achieves, just as I wanted to be there for the three of Lo's kids. And I want them to see every milestone my kids achieve, and for them to really know their aunts, uncle, cousins and grandmas. These things are, by far, the hardest part of living away from home. Saying good-bye this last time around was the hardest one yet.

My 14 month-old baby

Although technically, he's graduated to the "toddler" title, ever since he began walking at just over 13 months (Andrew walked at 12 1/2 months) he is still my perfect and precious little baby. At one year, he weighed in at 10.6kg and 79 cm, a tad bit fatter and shorter than Andrew at the exact same age (Andrew was 10.35kg and 80 cm). He continues to be so incredibly easy-going and totally proved himself as such on our recent two trips to Canada, in which he was a near angel on the airplanes and suffered from virtually no jet lag upon arrival aside from the first morning we were there when he woke up for breakfast at 5 am. After that, he continued on his normal sleep pattern as if we never changed time zones...fast asleep at 7 pm, awake just after 7 am and two 2-hour naps throughout the day...an utter miracle if you ask me. I remember fainting from fatigue after my trip to US/Canada with Andrew at 12 months. He is walking with more confidence every day, but when he is in a real hurry, he'll get down on all fours and scoot across it like a speeding bullet. As I sit here typing this, Ryan and Andrew have every toy known to man-kind all over the living room floor, but are playing quietly and nicely and every now and then, they both giggle together over something. Playing in the kitchen is a bit of a different story...I hate that our kitchen here is the galley type which means that I cannot see them playing in the living room when I am in the kitchen. Sometimes, I'll hear a scream coming from Ryan's mouth, one of those utter shrieks like he nearly killed himself, and when I tear madly into the living room to see what has happened, I discover that Andrew has the bulldozer that Ryan wants to play with, or something to that effect! But usually, Ryan likes to play wherever it is that I am, and of course Andrew doesn't want to be left alone, so along they follow me into the kitchen, where I spend a good bit of my time, since not only is it a kitchen, but it is also a laundry room too...a truly mad European concept if you ask me. Anyway, Ryan is obsessed with turning on the oven. Even though I bring countless toys into the kitchen with me, it is only the oven he wants to play with, or the pantry, whereby he pulls everything in reaching distance onto the floor. From there, he takes the stuff on the floor, carries them to the garbage can, and voila, they disappear. Robert just recently lost a shoe, it's nowhere to be found, and I've come to the realization that the shoe probably ended up in the garbage can and has long since been taken away. So now, I check through the garbage can before I tie up the bag and bring it down to the trash room....it's lovely doing this!!! I've prevented several items from being thrown out though, including the beloved new fridge farm from Grandma. At this age with Andrew, I remember we had the kitchen garbage can suspended up high with bungy cords but now that we have a dryer in the kitchen, there's no room to suspend the garbage can anymore.
As mentioned, Ryan goes down at 7pm religiously and wakes up after 7am, often has to be woken up since he needs to be fed his breakfast before we leave to take Andrew to school. He goes back to sleep around 9am, sleeps til 10:30 or 11, then back to sleep around 1:30/2 and often has to be woken up shortly before 4pm so that I can give him a snack before heading off to pick up Andrew. When I put him to sleep, all I have to do is turn out the lights and put the pacifier in his mouth...he instantly drops his head onto my shoulder, where we have a 30 second snuggle, then I gently place him in the crib and walk out and he's out like a light. This I find to be an utter miracle as well, especially after living through Andrew's naps, where he would ONLY go to sleep and stay asleep on me! I attribute this miracle partially to the Gina Ford techniques, in which I am a firm believer. The only downside about her methods is that Ryan is totally sleep trained to sleep in a quiet dark enviroment, so there's virtually no chance he will fall asleep in a car, on a plane or anywhere else we happen to be that is not a quiet and dark enviroment. And when he's tired and we're not in a place I can put him down, the result is disastrous. He is a VERY cranky tired baby, but then I suppose all children are very cranky when they are tired. There is one exception to his perfect disposition...he is an absolute nightmare to change! Change diapers, change clothes, put shoes on, etc. I do remember Andrew being a wiggly little monkey at one stage, but I find Ryan near impossible to change. As a result, his diaper gets changed when there is a poo in it and only when there is a poo in it! And often I put him in his next day's clothes after the evening bath, instead of pajamas, to avoid an additional change! He squirms, kicks, cries, rolls over, pulls up, puts his hands in his poo, etc. etc. etc. I have found ONE single thing that will distract him long enough to make a quick change happen...the telephone. And despite all the old cordless phones we have, he will only be distracted with the real thing. And he knows when I've locked the keypad and fusses, so usually I cave to make things easier for myself, and let him push the buttons when it's not locked (so it makes beeping noises), and I'll apologize in advance if any of you reading this get a phone call at a weird time in the day or night...it is probably Ryan getting through on a previously dialed number, or one stored in the keypad!!!
Andrew was also rather obsessed with the REAL phone and I remember there being a period of time whereby it was totally useless to even attempt a phone conversation during his waking hours. Back to the same deal with Ryan. When he sees the phone, he WANTS it, and wails unless he gets it, making it impossible for me to hear the person speaking on the other end!
Like Andrew, Ryan's first teeth appeared after he turned one. Ryan's teeth were brought on a little quicker, by a tumble he took face first into the floor, in which he cut his gums, forcing the teeth through. Andrew's first teeth were, like most babies, the bottom two. Ryan's are the top two. To this day, he still only has those top two teeth, though I suspect some more are coming in as we had two very unusual and fussy nights just recently, and since nothing else seemed to be wrong with him, I have deduced it down to some new teeth coming in.
At around the 12 month mark, nursing began to decrease in frequency and the length of time on each breast continued to shorten. He weaned himself entirely within three days of our arrival back in France, on this most recent trip. Again, this was very unlike Andrew, who nursed quite heavily, and often throughout the night, right up until the point at which I decided to wean him, which was not the easiest feat in the world.
Now that Ryan is up and about and can reach nearly all light switches, buttons, appliances, etc., I fully expect our electric bill to double. Every light switch gets turned on and off relentlessly, not to mention the washing machine, dishwasher, dryer and tv.
So that's my baby in a nutshell. He is busy, he is snuggly, and I'm absolutely head over heels in love with him.
Thank you Steph for inspiring me to get going on my blog again!