Sleep?

And if tonight my soul may find her peace in sleep, and sink in good oblivion,and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created.
~D.H. Lawrence
And if not...welcome to the road to Hell.
~Mom In France

I have three New Year's goals: 1) to capture more videos of my boys 2) to keep my blog updated 3) to run the Nice to Cannes marathon

I've taken one video so far this year. This is my first post of 2010. I ran my first 5K yesterday in a time of 35 minutes. I'm a failure.
Sleep is the problem. For a long while, it was me having difficulties falling and staying asleep. Then Andrew started waking several times through the night. Now it's Ryan, and the problem is that once he wakes up, he does not want to go back to sleep. And did I mention that Robert has been on a 2-week business trip? And that both the boys have colds. And that we had a little trip to ER last week to stitch up Andrew's chin.
I've now done several loads of laundry accidentally omitting the laundry detergent. I found the opened jug of milk in the cupboard this morning. Yesterday the peanut butter was in the fridge. Oh boy, I'm T.I.R.E.D.
The thing is, I know this phase will pass. I know that I won't even remember these sleepless nights in the years ahead, or if I do, it won't seem quite as bad as how it feels at this precise moment. My baby is going to turn 6 months old in just a couple weeks. Where did half a year go?
Ok...so it is my goal to keep this thing updated. There have been countless precious moments already this year that I want to document so that I never forget them. Starting...tomorrow!

Bus

Several weeks back, Robert and I began discussing his upcoming travel schedule and Robert was seriously concerned to be leaving me for 2+ weeks alone with the kids for the first time. I figured I would perhaps be a little tired, but that I would be just FINE. And now, with only two more sleeps til Daddy comes home, I've proved it. Even despite the couple "hic-cups" I had, first with Andrew getting the flu and being off school for 4 days, then with Ryan spiking a fever, and then with Andrew's school closing entirely because of the swine flu, we actually managed extremely well. In a very short time, Andrew has become a little helper with his brother, and has actually been a total angel these past couple weeks even despite having the flu. This evening, while I was preparing dinner with Andrew's help, Ryan was in the other room on the swing and began crying, rather screaming I should say. I was about to finish what I was doing, wash my hands and go soothe him, when Andrew left, returned with Ryan's soocy, asked me to wash it cuz it was on the floor, took it back to Ryan and all of a sudden, there was peace again! Andrew is really beginning to love entertaining Ryan and often does a dance in front of him to make him smile, and then proudly states "he's laughin' at me mommy!" when Ryan's face breaks into a huge mouth-wide open smile. When I tucked him into bed tonight, Andrew said "where's baby Ryan mommy?". Sooooooooo cute!
There are some days, however, where Andrew can indeed wake up on the wrong side of the bed and push my buttons all day long (and he definitely already knows how!) But those moments are far outweighed by the good ones.
The tough part about this past week has been that BOTH boys have woken up TWICE every night. Ryan is on his expected 3-month growth spurt and feeding often. Andrew has had a fever and has just need some extra comforting, or sometimes "cold water" or sometimes "kleenex for my boogers!". But I have survived just fine. And the truth is...as a fellow blogger recently put it...I would jump in front of a bus for either one of the two angels in the photos above.

"Home" for the Holidays

Yesterday, I was talking with a friend about our plans for the holidays. I found myself saying, and I quote "This year, we are staying home for the holidays". As soon as I said it, I realized it sounded kinda weird. But later on, I started reflecting on what "home" really is to me. Is it Burlington, where I spent the first 19 years of my life? Is it Oakville, the neighbouring city where my mother has laid her roots and where my other two sisters and families are close by? It's definitely not Waterloo, where I spent an amazing, albeit short, four years. Is it West Palm Beach, where I lived for 11 years, began my adult, working life, met my husband and had my first child? Or is it here now in the South of France, where Robert's head office is, and where he continues to love his job, where we've settled for the past two and a half years, where Andrew has started public school, and where my second baby was born? Robert's relocation was permanent in nature, but our intent was to stay for a few years...and yet we're already going on a few years now and have NO plans to relocate in the near future. My older sis was having a very emotional day recently with the thought of not being with the rest of the family for Christmas Day...that thought depresses me immensely too, yet at the same time, I spent the last two Christmas Days in airports going between Florida and Toronto and must admit, am very happy to NOT be travelling again, not to mention, I now have one more little man that would be tagging along. I am looking forward to going for drives through villages here, when all the pretty Christmas lights are displayed. I'm happy that we will have some quality down time as a family of four, as it is the quietest time in the office for Robert. I want to drive up to the mountains and play with Andrew and Ryan in the snow. (well, Ryan can observe from his position in the backpack carrier!) I want to watch all the Christmas specials with Andrew this year and catch up on movies and play Scrabble with Robert, and spend time socializing and entertaining friends. I don't have to spend countless hours in shopping malls as it is too difficult to exchange gifts from abroad (and unfortunately have to depend on Aunty Susie yet again to shop on my behalf for my dearest nephews and niece).
But back to my original point, the truth is, that France is beginning to feel more and more like home everyday. I still cannot see myself spending the rest of my life here (it's too far from family for one and well, I've already mentioned the other stuff in previous blog entries). Yet this week was a bit of an eye-opener for me, in a very positive way. Andrew had a fever and my family doc/pediatrician saw him within an hour of my calling him to make an appointment. He then discovered that I had a previously scheduled appointment for Ryan's 3 month check-up two days later, and took time out of his "sacred" lunch break (they are sacred here in France!) and did Ryan's exam too so that I would not have to come back. The doc then subsequently called ME the next day to check in on both boys to see how they were feeling! (Ryan happened to come down with a fever while we were in the doctor's office) When my friends became aware of the fact that Robert was out of town and I was home with two sick boys, many of them emailed or called me to offer help with groceries, whatever. Today, we took a walk to our local bakery and convenience shop. Since they were out of the usual baguette that I buy, I was asking about the other options. (after 2+ years, I still have no clue what the real difference is between baguette normale, ancienne, gros pain, etc. etc.) Anyway, I ordered a new type of loaf, and she gave it to me for free. Then we stopped in at the convenience store/fruit market since Andrew pointed to the apples on the outside display and wanted one. (since his appetite has really diminished this past week, I'm happy to feed him whatever he wants to eat) So, we went in to buy the one apple, and not only did he give it to Andrew for free, but he went to the back of the shop and washed it for him first. And just the other day, we received an invitation from some of our American friends to come and enjoy a traditional Thanksgiving feast with them at their place. Home or not, it feels really good to be here.

Raclette & International friendships

Last Friday I was invited for a delicious french specialty dish (raclette) that was hosted by a Singaporean friend, and shared with two Americans and a Filipino. We all have very diverse backgrounds, yet one common bond that ties us together: motherhood in the South of France. I've probably said this before but one of the things I love most about living here is the opportunity to make such amazing friendships with such an amazing and diverse group of women. Raclette is a dish cooked right at the table in a machine designed for its purpose. You melt cheese on the lower part and pour it over meat/potatoes/veggies cooked on its upper part. I found myself heavily engaged in conversation and completely unaware of how much yummy food I had consumed until I got home later that evening! To top it off, we had pumpkin pie for dessert in honour of the upcoming American Thanksgiving, along with oatmeal raisin cookies made by one of the smaller guests! I REALLY do not need to be employed to fulfill any unmet social needs. From time to time I still think about when it is that I will go back to work and also, what it is that I may want to do when I do go back. But again, I have the rest of my life to work and only these short and most precious years with my babies.
I do miss the paycheck though.

IDENTITY FRAUD = PAIN IN THE $#@!

I'm officially a victim. Of identity fraud that is.

Those who know me well know that I am a worrier. Robert, who I seriously doubt has ever spent a second worrying over anything (with exception to the health and well being of his family), jokes with me that if I won a million dollars, I'd worry over how to spend it. He thinks if everything is going well, I just call up my mom or sisters to find something new to worry about! Sadly, I think he's kinda right. I'm not like some moms (my older sis and my own momma included) who can be out somewhere in public, a beach, playground, etc. and seem totally unconcerned about the whereabouts of their child. I hold conversations at the beach with my friends, often with my back to them so that my front can be faced toward Andrew. My mother never lost an ounce of sleep waiting for one of us to get home at night...good thing she never REALLY knew what time we got in or WHAT we were REALLY doing! I can't help it. Supposedly, my mom's mom (my grandma) was a worrier, so perhaps it's in my genes. Anyway, one thing I never worried about was identity fraud. Despite the growing prevalence and ease of someone stealing your social security number and name, I guess I just never believed it would happen to me. I've never shred a single piece of personal mail. (In the workplace obviously, I strictly adhered to all the rules/laws of confidentiality, always shredding all financial and health-related documents of others). But I just didn't think it could happen to me. My bad. But I also still kinda feel that no matter how careful you are, all it takes is a criminal mind in any of the locations that do hold my name and social, i.e. IRS, former employers, credit card companies, etc. Anyway, when my mom arrived at her winter residence in Florida (where all my American/Canadian mail is now forwarded), she called in a panic one day notifying me of the past due notices coming in. I don't think it would really be so bad if I wasn't living abroad. But the problem is, I now need to sign affidavits from the companies where these purchases (laptops, televisions, etc.) were purchased with my social. The affidavits could not be sent out of the U.S. (who knows why) Therefore, they have to go to my mother, be forwarded here to France by her, signed by me AND notarized and returned to the company, all within 20 days of the affidavit being sent. My biggest problem is finding a notary public to notarize the docs. The only place I know of here, is at the US consulate in Nice, and with a newborn baby, and at 30 euros a crack for notary fee, I adamantly refuse to do it. Looks like I have finally found an alternative solution. Thank you...you know who you are. I've learned a lesson though. I will be much more careful about releasing my name and social. And I WILL start shredding my stuff. And start monitoring my credit report for a monthly fee. I am thankful that this was discovered now, and not hundreds of thousands of dollars spent later, whilst applying for a mortgage or something.
On a positive note (and very happy one), Paul is back in remission. After very serious medical complications, there are now no more leukemia cells in his marrow. And his little brother has turned out to be a perfect donor match for his bone marrow transplant. Thank you God.

Pull the plug???

I've done my research. Both with Andrew and now with Ryan. Both times, I said I wasn't going to use a pacifier. Both times I have. I held off for the first month with both boys but surrendered upon coming to the realization that their sucking needs were resulting in my breasts becoming human pacifiers. Apparently research shows that pacifier use can interfere with long-term breastfeeding. But Andrew breastfed for 16 months, which was even longer than I had intended. Most of the books say that it is ok for the first 3 months, until they can find their fingers/thumb themselves. They say to NEVER use it at bedtime as it interferes with a baby learning to fall asleep himself. I remember getting up 20 or 30 times a night sometimes with Andrew, putting the pacifier in every 10 minutes, each time it fell out. I said "never again". But looking back, do I really have regrets? It was a saviour with Andrew on all our long airplane trips. On long car rides. In restaurants. Weaning him from the breast. Putting him to sleep. Fast forward 3 years though, and since Ryan's arrival and the start of school, and to the fault of both Mommy and Daddy, the plug is in his mouth way too often (thank god it's not allowed in the classroom). For a long while, he ONLY had it at bedtime, but then it got to the car, and then somehow, it started travelling around with us again when Ryan came. Obviously, it is time to begin the weaning process soon. Do we give it to the animals at the zoo? Should I cut off the nipples, telling him they all broke? Should we mail it to the poor babies that don't have soosies? Need to think of the best tactic for Andrew, but I know I want him to feel a part of the decision.
So, now with Ryan, as you can see in the photo above, he has it in the bed already and I found myself putting the soother in his mouth several times last night and the night before to put him to sleep (fortunately, it was not all through the night). He's not yet 3 months. Should I take it out, cope with the crying for a little while and try to soothe him using other means? But then if he becomes a thumb sucker, which I am quite sure he would, I will not have the control to remove the thumb when the time comes.
As a more experienced mom now, I realize that this is a rather small problem relative to others I will confront in the near and distant future. So, I should probably just let it be. He won't have a pacifier 20 years from now when he's out on dates. I hope.

Feeling blue

This blog's title may come as a surprise...as many of you know, I've been feeling on top of the world lately. Happier than I've ever been in my life. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my life, my family, my friends, living in France. There's not much in this world that is better than holding your healthy, happy newborn baby in your arms. He already slept through the night for the first time two nights ago.
Yet I laid awake last night, with thoughts and concerns about my dear friend Emily's little boy. Emily is a very special friend to me. She, along with her husband Dave, were there for me during my divorce, their shoulders were there for me to cry on, their ears were there for listening...day and night. I am forever grateful for their help in getting me through that rough period. I slept over many nights in what became Paul's bedroom, when I didn't want to be alone. Paul is a cancer warrior. He is the cutest and most courageous little boy. I turned on my computer this morning to learn of Paul's relapse. I cried to the computer. Andrew asked me what was wrong and I told him that my friend's little boy was sick. Andrew asked if he fell down. I wish that's all it was. I cannot even imagine how devastating the news was to Emily and Dave.
I have added Paul to be included in the prayers of the Mom's Prayer Group in Nice. I intend to join them when I can. I continue to hold endless faith and hope that he will get well. I pray for strength for Emily and Dave and little brother Ethan too. I wish I could do more. I ask of anybody reading this to include Paul in your prayers. If you have the means and would like to assist this family with their medical expenses, I can let you know how.
Emily, if you happen to read this, I love you.